


Eyes Closed

by drunkoncoffee



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Heartache, Heartbreak, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 05:02:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11223876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkoncoffee/pseuds/drunkoncoffee
Summary: if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like youBut you’ve been replaced, I’m face to faceWith someone new*Post s6 finale*





	Eyes Closed

_I, I know where to lay_

_I know what to say_

_It’s all the same_

She turns her back after watching his truck pull out of her drive, walking back into her house almost mechanically.

She pushes all thoughts and regrets from her mind and hardens her broken heart.

 

_And I, I know how to play_

_I know this game_

_It’s all the same._

She tries to distract herself from the guilt-ridden thoughts that threaten to plague her mind. Voices whisper in her mind in a scathing voice. _It’s all your fault. You just can’t seem to stand still can you? Always have to be one foot out the door, never happy with what you have standing right in front of you._

She shakes her head violently, trying to rid herself of these sickeningly true thoughts. She knew it was her fault. She played her game and ran before she got too attached. It was how she protected herself, how she survived.

 

_Now if I keep my eyes closed_

_He looks just like you_

She knew it was a mistake. As soon as she stepped into the elevator, she knew. She told herself to turn back, go home and stay there. _Away from him._ But surprise surprise she ignored her intuition.

 

_But he’ll never stay_

_They never do_

It meant nothing, she knew it did. She just needed comfort. And she went to the worst place to find it.

 

_Now if I keep my eyes closed_

_He feels just like you_

The feeling of his hands on her skin felt wrong. With every touch, he left a burn, like a permanent reminder of what she was doing. That it was wrong.

 

_But you’ve been replaced_

_I’m face to face_

_With someone new_

But she let him do it. She let him burn her. Because for some reason, it hurt less than the dull aching pain in her chest that she caused herself. It hurt less than admitting to her mistakes and acknowledging her pain and regret.

 

_Would’ve gave it all for you_

_Been there for you_

_So tell me where I went wrong_

She knew she lost him. The moment her confession left her lips, she lost him. His love, his respect, his will to keep fighting for her. She saw it in his eyes, the last of his resolve and want to keep chasing her. It faded.

 

 

_Would’ve trade it all for you_

_Been there for you_

_So tell me how to move on_

She didn’t give herself time to heal. Because healing meant acknowledging the pain and her mistakes. She couldn’t do it to herself. She couldn’t face the fact that she messed up yet another relationship. She ran when it got too hard, yet again. She fucked up the only good, steady relationship she’d ever had.

She didn’t dwell on it. That would involve hurting. Instead she turned away. To _him_

_Now if I keep my eyes closed_

_He looks just like you_

She never looked into his eyes directly, instead focusing on a feature of his face that wasn’t so foreign. His eyes were too different, too dull. They never gave her that jolt of butterflies, like _his_ did.

 

_But he’ll never stay_

_They never do_

 

The ring on her finger meant nothing to her. She knew it was just another promise she wouldn’t keep, couldn’t keep. It weighed her down with the foreboding feeling of expected disappointment.

 

_Now if I keep my eyes closed_

_He feels just like you_

His arm around her felt wrong. It felt like it was suffocating her, like she couldn’t leave. But she knew she could. She knew she would.

She sometimes pretended it wasn’t his arms she was wrapped up in. As they fell asleep, she imagined it was _his_ arm slung around her waist. She knew in the back of her mind that it wasn’t. But for a fleeting moment, she felt as if she was back in _his_ embrace.

 

 

_But you’ve been replaced_

_I’m face to face_

_With someone new_

 

She would often take out one of his shirts that he left there, in her bedroom, in _their_ bedroom. It smelled of him; coffee, pancakes, understanding, comfort. She’d slip it on and curl up on her bed, pretending it was his arms wrapped around her. It wasn’t much, but it kept her sane and wanting. But she couldn’t want him. She shouldn’t. It was her choice, not his. Her fault.

 

_He don’t realize that_

_I’m thinking about you_

Every time she saw him, her breath caught in her throat. Her lungs felt like they were on fire, seconds away from bursting. Her resolve almost slipped every time she walked past the diner, glancing through the window, hoping to catch even a glimpse of him.

 

_It’s nothing new_

_It’s nothing new_

 

And if he happened to look up and lock eyes with her she would look away quickly, holding back tears. It didn’t slip pass her how tired he looked, how his eyes seemed drained of all hope. She knew the look. The same look she saw every day in the mirror.

_Now if I keep my eyes closed_

_He looks just like you_

She didn’t know what she was doing. Standing there in front of his door. She didn’t even remember how she got there. But her fingers were cold and the lack of a ring weighed down on her, another one of her disappointments.

 

_But he’ll never stay_

_They never do_

He didn’t look surprised to see her. Just tired. And it killed her. It killed her to see how little want there was in his eyes, how little will there was to fight for her.

 

 

_Now if I keep my eyes closed_

_He feels just like you_

 

She needed him. She needed him to hold her. To forgive her, to tell her it would be ok, even if it was a lie. But she knew that was too much to ask.

When she spoke, she barely recognized her voice. It was cracked and hollow.

“I-,” she began but her voice was thick with emotion and she was fighting back tears. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath, willing herself to look into his eyes. They stared back at her almost blankly, full of exhaustion and lack of emotion.

 

_But you’ve been replaced_

_I’m face to face_

She opened her mouth to speak again but he held his hand up to silence her.

“Don’t,” he said, his voice gravelly and empty, “Just don’t.”

 

 And as she closed the door of the diner behind her, she glanced back at him, hoping, wishing that he would follow after her. He didn’t

 

The door she closed put an end to all her lingering hope, that maybe, someday, they could make things work. But now, she accepted, with a heart that now longer felt, that she would never have what she had with him,

_With someone new_

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I got inspired by Halsey's song "Eyes Closed" and realized how perfect it is for s6 finale. I really didn't like that finale, I thought it was unnecessary and just used to create unnecessary drama. Anywhooo hope you enjoyed!


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